What led me to understand I needed Christ to take my sin away was that I I knew I couldn’t continue down the path I was on. I need help; more than the doctors, therapists, family or friends could give me. I wasn’t living a life I wanted for my kids. I wasn’t the person I wanted for my kids. Before I accepted Christ in my life things were always a struggle. I suffered from a deep & severe depression. I hated who I was. Despite having 4 great kids & an amazing husband, I frequently isolated myself from my family & my friends. I didn’t enjoy my life or my family in the way I should have. I allowed my depression to dictate my life & I listened to the lie that I wasn’t good enough. I also allowed the anxiety to make important decisions without discussing those things with my husband. I was selfish. I could only see how I was hurting.
For me the way I turned to Christ was a desperate attempt to find peace again. I had just come out of a psychiatric hospital for an accidental overdose after my husband asked for a divorce. I was scared, lonely & felt abandoned. I knew I needed something else in my life but I still wasn’t sure what. I had a talk with myself one night & I said to myself “I could turn to drugs but that was a guaranteed way to lose my kids. I could turn to alcohol but again I would just end up losing my kids. Or, I could turn to God. I have always had a strained relationship with God. I was raised Catholic & the religion was forced fed to me from the minute I was born. I was never given a choice in what I wanted or believed. After my dad took his life when I was 12 years old the kids at the Catholic school were horrible & beyond cruel. This was just another strike against a religion I never fully understood or accepted. I was reluctant to turn to Christ because of my past experience with God & religion. So literally in my mind I said to myself the God was the lesser of the 3 evils (drugs, alcohol or God) I know it sounds horrible but that’s where my mind was.
After I decided to “tryout” God I went back to HDC & I started praying & I immediately saw things happening in my life that just reaffirmed this was the path I needed to be on. My prayers were being answered left & right. It wasn’t always the answers I wanted but it was answers! I started to feel better about myself despite the pending divorce I somehow started to find happiness within myself. I started to take my life back. I started to get healthy & went through weight loss surgery to get healthy for myself & my kids. I started seeing a therapist one that for the first time in 28 years I actually enjoyed & looked forward to seeing! She has helped me deal with & understand things in my life I wasn’t able to before. I turned to friends who were believers for help & support! I felt a sense of relief I had never experienced before.
Today my life is different because I no longer allow things to bother me in the same way. The anxiety is better, almost gone. I am working on getting off all my psych meds because I feel amazing! I take pride in myself & my home. I keep it clean & organized. I have made it a home for me & my kids! I make my bed daily & do my dishes & laundry regularly. My house is always clean & organized! Something I struggled with for a very long time. I have lost 95 pounds & am still losing the weight. I am more active with my kids. I love hearing them sing the songs of Christ & asking me to play certain songs! I believe that God will direct me on the path I need to be whether I understand it or not, I don’t question it, I accept there is a reason for it! I have faith that in time when it’s right for all of us God will restore our family! He has shown me so many things & I truly believe we are all deserving of God’s love & miracles! I am happier & freer now that I have Christ in my life. I never want to go back to the place I was at before!