I was raised that Jesus Christ is our Savior and I have always believed that since I can remember. I grew up Catholic and my parents use to take us to church all the time. My dad would tell us stories of the bible and read scriptures and to pray always to God only. He never raised us to pray to anybody but God only. I never prayed the Rosary or to the Saints. I just prayed to God. I believed in Christ, because I felt him in my heart, I kept him there and I have carried him with me. There were times during my adolescents I have strayed because I made mistakes and by doing those mistakes, I didn’t keep him as close as I should have or thought. However, I have always gone back and prayed and asked for forgiveness. I always believed that our God is a loving God and he knew my heart was good and loved me.
My real trials of giving my life to Jesus were the times of trials in growth and maturing. It was the time right before I married. I was faced with difficult situations with my then fiancés family before I was married. I ignored the signs God was showing me, thinking they were the right ones. He humbled me before I can see the light and clarity with what he was trying to show me and with the work he was working in me with.
Before I got married, I felt rejection by my then fiancé’s family. The humbleness began after the storm where he and I canceled our wedding plans and broke up. After that, I knew peace and understanding needed to take place with my husband and his family in order for me to move on to my next chapter with him. So, we married two years later, had a beautiful wedding and now have two beautiful children later.
God was always faithful and kept blessing us. During our marriage and like all marriages we face challenges. One in particular was one I needed to face on my own. I knew God was still working on my faith to be stronger. Yet, I was still holding onto hurt, confusion, rejection, misjudgment from his family. My heart was always good; I never had feelings to want to hurt anybody’s feelings or to get back at anybody. I always felt shut down which was my go to escape being around people that just disliked me rather than love me. I just couldn’t understand what the problem was; I couldn’t understand what I did to be treated in such a way. My feelings kept building up throughout the thirteen years I have been with my now husband. It wasn’t until my husband had to leave for almost six months across the country for work where I faced the bottom of the barrow, but the most astounding understanding of God and how important it is to center him into our lives first and foremost and in our marriage.
My husband was gone for almost six months to across the country for work. I felt very alone. The only help and support I had were by my parents and his parents. During my time of weakness, Satan came in many ways. It started off with loneliness and feeling sad all the time. I was content being in the dark with my shades closed in the house. Many things started breaking on me and my kitchen faucet was one of them. A lightning storm in the middle of the night triggered the electricity in my house to cause a blackout. The fire alarms went off and woke up my babies and scared them. The alarms wouldn’t stop and lead me to believe there was a possible fire. The fire department arrived and found nothing. There were more that happened, but I’ll stop there. I was crying every day and night missing my husband and feeling so scared each night and hopeless. I began to resent his family for not even lending one single hand my direction. I began to even hate them whole heartedly. They were beginning to mean nothing to me. Each day I kept praying and reading scriptures trying to keep faith. It wasn’t until I was sitting on my couch in my living room with the shades closed crying. I needed out of the “poor me” state of mind. I felt fed up. I walked right out my back door into the cold crisp winter morning and yelled out to Satan, “In the name of Jesus Christ, you Satan are not welcome here and that you will not take me down or my family. I believe in Jesus Christ and I will not let you here again and to get out of my house and get away from me and my family!” I came back inside and shut that door, quickly wiped my tears, and opened the blinds to let light in. I saw my children and I just knew God had my back and I was not going to let Satan win. I just knew I needed to be their Mommy and keep the faith. Ever since that day, Satan never came back to my home again. I never felt that darkness inside of me and God gave me hope.
I did a study of Jonah with the women’s small groups that I felt like my faith was at a standstill. Although I conquered Satan fooling me at my house, I was still keeping him present. I still had these awful feelings towards my husband’s family. I couldn’t shake off and understand still. I couldn’t release myself from those feelings I had. I realized I was Jonah. I was running away from the one thing God wanted me to do. It was to pray for them to and to wait. I had always prayed to God what it was that I needed to do with this situation and as I was driving it was like something inside of me told me what I needed to do. And the feeling was of complete sureness. I knew that was God speaking to me.
A few months had passed, obviously my husband came back from his work and I was waiting on our Lord. I received a text from one of his family members that I just never wanted anything to do with. The person I blamed for all the cause of family problems. The one person that I just would have never thought to speak to texted me regarding an invite to a birthday. I remember that day, because I so wanted to give that person a piece of my mind. However, God was working through me in texting her back in a way that was helpful and peaceful and that included him. She communicated back in ways I would have never imagined. She was too helpful and peaceful.
Honestly, the wait was God working. He worked in me more than I thought. I don’t have those dark feelings for either of them. I don’t feel anxious being around them. My feelings and ways of thinking have been released. I am no longer imprisoned to those dark feelings that held me back from moving forward to bigger and greater things God is having me do. I am with peace, self control, and understanding for them. I am more joyful around them then before. I always have been around people, but it was around my most challenging ones that I needed to be. My heart needed a rest and needed peace. I was carrying a burden that was not mine to carry nor was it ever. I can’t change people, but I can change myself by seeking our Lord with the challenges in my life and for the blessings too. Even though I believed in God from as long as I could remember as a little girl and believed that he is our Savior. He saved me that day in my living room. He saved me during the study of Jonah with the understanding of what he wanted me to do as Jonah needed. God even saved me during my trials with my own husband and trials as a mother, daughter, sister and friend. Jesus Christ is our Savior of our Sins. He forgave me from mine and he forgives me from them on a daily basis. I needed to trust in him, pray and wait. I no longer am at a standstill. I am his instrument. I pray he uses me to help others understand who he is. Not just through my own testimonies, but by faith. Our God is a loving God and he is a faithful God too. I believe in God not because my parents told me, not because the church told me, but because I have experienced his goodness and mercy myself.