We live in a world where sin surrounds us, from the moment we are born sin knows our name. It calls to us. It becomes aware of our weaknesses, it feeds into our wants, our fears, and our insecurities. It wants us to continue immersing ourselves into a Godless lifestyle. In a world full of inevitable sin, I came to understand that God was the only one who could wash away my past sins, and the sins I have yet to render. Only God can draw out sin and darkness and guide me to live a Godly lifestyle. However I didn’t always think I needed God as my savior. My heart used to be filled with such disgust, hatred, and spite towards God. I couldn’t understand why such a powerful being, would allow suffering in the world. From a very young age, I struggled with the constant battle of depression. As hard as it is for me to admit, I remember lying in bed praying God to end my suffering, to take my life. To others I seemed happy, full of life; but inside I was at war with God and myself, and it was dark and painful place. I remember thinking, “How could God let me feel this way about myself?” I hated when people would try to bring me to God, I didn’t feel worthy. These people didn’t understand my demons. Every time someone mentioned God, it would draw me farther and farther away. It only made hatred towards God grow deeper.
Two words: Nancy Bathurst. The only person who saw through me. She saw that I wanted to be a follower of Christ but wasn’t quite sure how. Nancy was the one person who didn’t force choosing to let God lead my life down my throat. I will never forget what she told me, “You don’t come to Christ by others forcing you to choose to become Christian and allow Christ to be your savior. God enters your life when you make the decision to let him in. Sometimes it comes when you least expect it. But let me tell you, when you do bring down your wall and allow God in, it’s the most indescribable feeling. You Destiny, are worthy.” I know what anyone reading this might be thinking, that was the day I decided to walk with God. Well you’re WRONG. For years after that I struggled, everyday still feeling unworthy.
I had rejected God for so long. Finally four years later, four l-o-n-g years later on November 20, 2015; I decide to make the choice to follow Christ. If you would have asked me that day, where I saw myself last year, it wouldn’t be making the decision to attend church that day alone. The year 2015 was a hard one, having my own battles, physically and mentally. Having to watch someone I love deeply take on cancer and fight it in such a courageous graceful way. That day I had finally decided it was time to let go, and let God. Sitting in that auditorium at High Desert Church, I finally admitted that I was a sinner who needed a Savior, believed that Jesus is the only Savior available, and chose to follow Christ placing my faith in Him alone. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of me, I had this overwhelming, indescribable feeling take over me. I no longer felt alone, the darkness that followed so closely behind me, was now over powered by light. No I do not regret accepting God into my life sooner, I had come to the understanding that it wasn’t because I wasn’t worthy, it was because I wasn’t ready. God came into my life, when he knew I needed him the most. For anyone who struggles with not allowing God into their lives for the same reason as I did or a different reason. No matter the reason, my advice would be: Never allow your demons to make you feel unworthy. That’s the problem with pain, it demands to be felt. But God can mend that pain and provide you comfort and unfailing love. Even when nothing makes sense, He is still God and he is in control. You are worthy of his love.