My relationship with God started when I was young. I was baptized and made my first communion in the Catholic Church. That was the end of my religious life since we did not attend church regularly. When I was in high school my Uncle Mike invited me to go with his church to Hume Lake. I went and had the best time. That is where I started my relationship with God. I always believed in him just didn’t have a relationship. At Hume Lake I accepted Christ and opened my heart to him. My Uncle Mike was the most amazing man and his love for Christ was always evident. As I grew older I made poor life choices and strayed from God. In 1996 my Uncle Mike died of lung cancer at the age of 36. He never smoked, drank, or did any drugs. I couldn’t understand how could this man who lived his life for God get cancer and die within 3 weeks? I’ll come back to this answer later.
After he passed away my mom and I started attending High Desert Church. That is where I started again my relationship with God. I was still living a non-Christian life and so my guilt of living in sin got the best of me and I half-hearted had a relationship with God. Fast forward in 2003 I finally left those things that were holding me down and tried again to find “happiness”.
In that time my family ( mom, brother, sister, and friends) were all being baptized and I never made the commitment because I didn’t feel I was in the right place and was unworthy. Little did I know at that time, God loves me as I am and does his best work with those that are unworthy?
In 2005 I became a mom to the most amazing little girl, Daviny Lynn Villarreal. I was 28 not married and had a child. When Daviny was born she was rushed to NICU because of a heart problem. Daviny’s life started out with some problems but she grew out of her heart block. When Daviny was 3 months old I had to have surgery because during my emergency C-section they found tumors on my ovaries, so the doctor wanted to do surgery to check the tumors. When I woke up from surgery I was told that the tumors had crushed my ovaries and both of them had to be removed. I was told I will not be able to have any more children. It was very devastating to me because I loved being pregnant and wanted more children. I felt like a failure because I could not have any more children. This was not what I had in mind. My plans… not Gods. I was upset and hurt… why can’t I have any more children, I am a good person, I know I will be a good mom… all these questions filled my heart and mind.
In 2008 I married Daviny’s dad and he went off to war. This is when I feel I started to grow as a person. I was still upset about not being able to give my husband another child. In 2011 I decided to start going to a small group on Thursday mornings with HDC. I wanted to dig deeper and start a relationship with God. I found myself at a table with these ladies, and quickly found God had placed me right where I needed to be. I was at a table with a few ladies who had problems with having children just like myself and also another army wife. At the beginning of the study my husband was deployed overseas again. On October 29, 2011 our dear friend was killed in action. It was a very difficult loss, and it was one of my husbands close friends.
When my husband came home in 2012 I took a break from bible study. Again I was wandering through life. My life wasn’t bad by any means but something was missing.
In 2015 I knew what I needed to do. I enrolled into the Thursday morning bible study again. This time that thing that was different was I had a thirst for God, that is something I have never felt before. Again I found myself at a familiar table, some of the same sweet ladies and new faces. I always loved to see who God put in my life. In October 2015 I lost one of the most important ladies in my life, my grandma. The woman who was my heart, my life and my everything. It was the hardest loss to his day. I was again at a battlefield with my heart and couldn’t understand why every time I make a step closer with God someone I care about goes to heaven. I was talking with a good friend Kristina and saying that I didn’t understand why the two times I take a step closer to God ( bible study) I lose someone and she simply said “ God knew what was coming in your life and he surrounded you with people that love God and can help you get through it”. It clicked, I always looked at the negative and not the positive. She was absolutely right, God knew what he was doing and gave me an amazing group of ladies to help me through it. Then I understood why my uncle mike died so quickly. Uncle Mike was an obedient servant to God and God spared him the pain and slow death of cancer, he took him home right away. How can I not want to be more obedient to a loving God?
My husband and I are at peace with the fact that I can not birth another child and I have accepted that God always knows what he is doing. I am beyond thankful that God chose me to be Daviny’s momma and David’s wife. We center our marriage, family and finances around God. I know my life will never be perfect and that is ok because I don’t want it to be. I grow from my mistakes and God is always there to pick me up. I am at a good place and decided that it is time to make an even bigger step and get baptized.
I know that I will sin again and that I will ask for forgiveness and our loving God will forgive me, now I will ask God to guide me and help me to make better decisions. I have a lot of pain and hurt from my past and I know only through God can I learn to “let go” and “let God” take control.
God’s grace is always around and I look forward to being baptized and walking closer with Him.