I've always thought that I was in control of my life. I never really knew God though growing up. I attended church from time to time with friends. Some different types of churches and then HDC. The times I would attend church as an adult I could feel something pulling on my heart strings but I would push the feelings away because for some reason I wasn't ready for whatever it was. I've always been an "all in" or "all out" type of person. So letting God in when I wasn't ready to fully give my all was something I just didn't want to do or wasn't ready for. I still had that mentality of "I can do this on my own!".
I started to attend HDC again in 2011 with my Husband and we became expectant with our daughter. We attended for a little while and then drifted away as life grabbed a hold of us. Now having 3 children, jobs and school.... Life started getting even more hectic. God was on my back burner with me still saying "I can do this on my own". There were so many times where I would break down yet still say "I can do this on my own".
Seasons of life were changing quickly (now with 4 children) and I can't begin to tell you the number of times where I would pray "Lord help me." I was struggling with self image, marital struggles, ideas of trying to be the perfect mother and wife along with being a better daughter and friend.
It was on March 10, 2016 that life was about to change. I was done. Over it. Everything in my life. I was burnt out trying to do everything "on my own". I wanted to just run. Over the course of a few weeks, God was brought up to me more than I can count. It is He who can change and help me, my marriage, and my life. I didn't want to hear it because I was just so done. I wanted something different but I found myself constantly praying, "Lord what do I do? What is the decision I need to make? I'm lost, confused and unhappy." After already having gone through one divorce I did not want to put my children through it again. I didn't want to go through it again. So I felt that I was guided by Him to say I'm going to make this work somehow. That I NEEDED Him in ALL aspects of my life. That I NEEDED His strength, grace, love, and guidance in my life. It was after that decision that Tim Kuhl became a part of our lives. He helped me see the Lord even more so and the things He was capable of and what I needed to do to help myself and my life through Christ but that I also needed to FULLY commit to Him. Ultimately I made the decision when I read the book of Jonah and this verse was my turning point, that it was He who would save me from my self destruction. "Then I said, 'I am driven away from your sight; yet I shall again look upon your holy temple.' The waters closed in over me to take my life; the deep surrounded me; weeds were wrapped around my head at the roots of the mountains. I went down to the land whose bars closed upon me forever; yet you brought up my life from the pit, O Lord my God. When my life was fainting away, I remembered the Lord and my prayer came to you, into your holy temple." Jonah 2: 4-7
I feel that now that I have accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, that I am capable of handling all that life throws at me because I have Him (Isaiah 41:10). If I am struggling I pray or dive into His word. I want to be closer to Him and show my husband, children and family how amazing life with the Lord can be. He loves us so and I want to live a life that pleases him so that I may live an eternal life in His presence.
So here I am WITH my husband getting baptized together. I am so excited for our life together with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!!