Whomsoever is reading this, this is my testimony for baptism and I want to thank you ahead of time for taking time out of your day to read it.
I was not a good person, I was angry all the time, almost numb in a way. I always kept to myself and I held everything in until I exploded. I didn't care whom I hurt and I also hated every second of life that I didn't need. Ironically it took a drastic turn when my mother got over her despair and grief and found Jesus again for herself. She kept talking about how great He was and how God was so loving to all of us, of course at the time I thought she was a dumb person. But the more she explained to me, the more I realized how I felt, and five and a half years later, especially that last month, I found Jesus slowly and steadily.
Well, I was a bad person, a monster in more ways than one. I lied, I just felt like a lifeless husk that just lived to get life over and done with, I didn't want to live it. I saw life as an annoying and humiliating time that I constantly questioned and doubted whether I even wanted to live. I was so conflicted all the time, should I do this even if it was bad? My heart was closed, and even now it still is, just not as bad anymore. I hated feeling sadness, embarrassment, happiness, grief, every emotion that makes me human. I just felt like a husk that had a large dark half, and a small good half that was weak from the darkness.
I found Christ about a month ago actually and before that, my family and I had gone to HDC for almost eight months now. I was alone in my room and my mother, my second eldest sister, and I had all gotten home from Costco. My mother had a book that was called 'Jesus Calling', by Sarah Young, and I had seen and got the sequel to that book. It is called 'Jesus Today', also by Sarah Young, and I was reading it. By now I was very frustrated that I hadn't felt anything from my heart in any terms of Christ.
So I started to listen to Todd Agnew, who is a Christian vocal artist, and one of his songs talks about how he keeps losing Christ and that he feels so shamed and guilty that he can't go home, he doesn't understand why Christ is still with him and waiting to hold his hand again, no matter what he has done wrong. I found more connections to this song and I felt something within me change, I was begging, pleading with anyone out in the heavens who would listen. I cried as I imagined what Jesus looked like, what he did for all of us, the holes in his hands and feet.
I kept this up and I couldn't stop my tears, but this was just the beginning. How I know this is because this very night I am writing this, I truly believe that I have found him. He is giving the determination, and the confidence to write this truthfully and have faith that I can get baptized and truly mean it. So tonight I have found Him, I have found Jesus in some way, and I have also found out that I don't need to understand it completely, I just have to have faith and believe as best as I can.
My mother was a huge inspiration for my receiving of Christ, even when she herself was frustrated, she wouldn't say discouraging words to me. My second eldest sister, she helped by giving me small doses of encouragement and she would try to explain any problem I had as best as she could. My book 'Jesus Today', also helped very much, why I don't read it more, I have no clue why. All I do know though, is that God has been trying to help too, I can just feel it.
I feel so much lighter inside than I ever have, I feel happier and I laugh more often. I also feel more....in control of my dark half, I know it sounds different or weird, basically my anger, rage, and such.
I learned a very pleasant phrase from a movie that goes along well with me, whenever I say it, I feel happy inside. It is a saying from the movie Kung Fu Panda, and it says "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, that's why it's called the present", and I can't say it any better myself. Thank you for reading this, and I hope I can show everyone that I feel reborn in Christ. Today is a gift, and it is a present from God, enjoy every day the best you can.