I was on my second marriage and been with my husband for 7 ½ years and married for 1 ½ years. About the last 3 years I felt that something was missing in my life so I had started wanting to find God because that was one thing I never had in my life. I had always lived my life knowing that there is a God and that Jesus had died for our sins and believed that if I was doing “good” in my life that God would take care of me. I never even wanted to talk about God and had never thought about what Jesus dying for our sins really meant for me.
I started praying for about 2 years. At one point my husband was just frustrated with work, news on TV, and all bad things in the world that he seen going on so we started praying together for about 6 months and at one point my husband just didn’t want to pray in Jesus name anymore and shortly after stopped praying completely. My husband started focusing on the negative things in life and had always been more about material things and money but I noticed that he was lusting after things even more. He was about to turn 49 in December and I could see that it seemed like he was hitting a mid-life crisis. I continued to pray especially since my older sister was in the hospital since May 2014. During the time I had been focusing on my sister, I thought that he was just giving me space to deal with my feelings about the situation and didn’t realize that our relationship was pretty much just there and he had been focusing his energy on things he couldn’t have materially and on things he could not change at work and in the world. On New Year’s Eve 2015, my husband wanted to spend it with “his guy friends” and went to Vegas for the night without me by sending me a text. I was crushed.
My sister passed away on January 11, 2015 and I was feeling so many crazy emotions between my marriage and the death of my sister. I got drunk one night and blacked out and I guess I said and did some things to my husband that he just couldn’t forgive. I went to stay with my daughter the next day for a couple of weeks thinking things would pass and we would work it out. We had never had even a single fight in the almost 8 years we had been together but now he wanted a divorce. He made me feel that it was all because of my one drunk night. After I had been at my daughter’s for a month I went home mostly for financial reasons but thinking we were going to try and work it out as well. I went home for 5 days and realized that he was not even close to being the same person. I couldn’t take his negativity and I stayed for 5 days and went back to my daughter’s house. I’ve always known that everything happens for a reason and thought that this was something that HE needed to deal with and that he would get past what he was feeling inside.
A few days before my sister’s funeral, the father of my youngest sister’s 3 girls passed away as well. I kept thinking “Can this year get any worse”? I went to the funerals and my husband and I were still split up. Shortly after that, one of my friends that I had known for around 30 years passed away so now I’m going to a third funeral and my husband is just mean and will not even consider working out our marriage. I’m trying to understand why God would not want my marriage to be fixed since it is sacred to him.
Not long after, one of my Uncle’s was hit by a car on his daily walk in his neighborhood and was killed. So now I’m going to my forth funeral of the year and it is only March. Can it get any worse? Well a friend of mine that I had known since elementary school had been fighting stomach cancer for around 3 years and she passes away. Now I’m going to my fifth funeral, my husband wants a divorce and it’s only April.
Well let me say that 5 funerals in 4 months is just WOW…but my family is no stranger to death and I had figured out a long time ago that things do happen for a reason even though we might not always know why, so as hard as the deaths were, I was really struggling with my emotions of why my marriage was beautiful one day and now I’m getting a divorce. I just did not understand.
When I first left to stay with my daughter, I wanted to learn more about God so I decided to go to church with my nephew and his wife who are very strong in their faith. So in January I went to church for the first time. I couldn’t believe that God must have known that I was coming that day because it was like that service was written just for me. I finally understood why Jesus died for us and what that meant for me and also what I need to do in return. I must obey God and live my life as Jesus did. Yes I am human and a sinner and will make mistakes but I now know that because of Jesus, my sins are forgiven. I have realized that my life is in God’s hands not mine. I need only to listen and he will direct my path in everything in my life including my marriage.
I had read a scripture in the beginning of April that confirmed this to me.
IN ME YOU HAVE EVERYTHING. In Me you are complete. Your capacity to experience Me is increasing, through My removal of debris and clutter from your heart. As your yearning for Me increases, other desires are gradually lessening. Since I am infinite and abundantly accessible to you, desiring Me above all else is the best way to live.
This gave me so much peace inside my heart. Even though my husband and I are getting a divorce, I am at peace in my heart knowing that even though I lost my earthly marriage, I have gained everlasting life with God.
I read a scripture the other day that confirmed to me exactly what I feel inside.
He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for MY sake will find it.
Me being baptized is my way of showing God, not just in words but in actions,
That I ADMIT that I am a sinner who needs a savior.
That I BELIEVE that Jesus is the only savior to wash away my sins.
That I CHOOSE to follow Jesus and share what he has to offer with everyone that I can for the rest of my days.